¿Qué sorpresa, no?
I once said that I would never learn Spanish to a Red Velvet fanatic whilst travelling in Austria. I was wrong.
Turns out I quite like Spanish. There’s a lot to like. There’s such a contrast and a combat with my way of being that exploring it really makes me realise how… steady I was/am/have become… mostly am.
Being faced with forthright confidence, boldness in language and a whole different way of living, I am challenged by it, and I realise more and more I need to work at me, on me, to keep pace or risk a repeat.
Tengo ganas de…
Working, I realised something after trudging a very self-indulgent wallow in Memory Lane. Well, I need to meander back a bit further first.
I hated my break up. It crushed me. But I picked myself up, I mean, what other choice is there in life but to keep trying? I had faced failure multiple times before and besides, people don’t write those adages for nothing now, do they?
So, yeah, hard times. Naturally you think over it from time to time. Back then, keeping in touch, I received a message that brought momentary clarity to personal priorities that made me realise I could not handle contact any more. So it stopped, hatches battered, filters engaged. Gandalf stood across my bridge of well-being.
This wall, the defences… they served a purpose but at the same time, they brought on occasional bouts of dreadful curiosity. Truly, never indulge these bouts: much like the cigarette 3 years after you quit, it just increases your morbid fascination with the subject matter. It wrenches.
So here I am, indulging this terrible habit, contemplating what might have been, had-
It hit me.
Whatever was, will never be. As much as people don’t change, they do.
As much as I would never learn Spanish, I did.
All that jazz no longer existed.
Even though I wallowed, I have moved on. Truly, I have had some great few years. Japan was beyond fabulous words and cries to my heart for a return trip. Luke, the furry deaf champion not only makes for the most interesting alarm clock of my life but also showed me I am both a cat and dog person. Dogs can wait for retirement — they can’t handle the 8 hours of solitude that he soldiers.
I also have an equal, who I think sees me in all of my glory and all of my horror. Her confidence and passion, her strength… It all inspires me and makes me want to be much more than this reclusive and slightly anxious Englishman. To have her smile is an effort worthwhile.
I miss writing. A colleague said to me recently that I should write up half of the jokes I make. If I manage a quarter, I’ll be lucky.
I miss chucking words onto this page and having it leave me. This corner of the web saved me once, having it be a motivation to me to keep on will be water off a duck’s back.
Here’s to the future, and to kanurf.
cheese gives you nightmares 