choosing my religion

I’ve put lengthy amounts of time into thinking about this.

I’ve also put lengthy amounts of time into avoiding writing this.

After meeting Mormons and being asked what my religious stance is by various people, I felt willing to write about it here. Its something that I do struggle to place. I’m not outwardly religious, or actively so, yet a lot of what I say and do can sometimes be seen as morally and ethically religious.

Let’s start with the broader question, what do I believe?

I believe in an entity. I have no power or knowledge to describe he /she /it, so I won’t do so. I believe that this entity watches my actions throughout my life and, come the day of reckoning so to speak, the entity will apply judgement on my life an my actions. I think that the judgements that the entity (E, for sake of speed) makes will be based on my larger decisions in life. Not my alcohol intake, or my tendency to speed on motorways, but my choices in moments of moral decision.

I have blogged previously about my regrets. Some of those I feel sometimes are notches on my “against” pile, for which I need to counter with plenty of “for”s. So these days I generally live by the plan of doing what I feel is right, both in my mind and morally. So, for the most part, where possible, I try to educate people rather than let them make sweeping statements (the recent swathe of racism posts is a side effect of discussions I’ve been having with people). I truly believe that being open to education is one of the most important things in life, if you’re not willing to learn then you only serve to limit what you are capable of.

So I believe that the E will watch and gauge my actions on whether I’m helping or hindering people, whether I’m challenging ignorant or ill-thought behaviour and whether I’m being ignorant myself or not. I have been ignorant in the past and I’m sure I will be again, but I hope that I will learn from them enough that I never repeat those mistakes.

I like to believe that all people are good till proven otherwise, in that I trust people will, for the most part, do the right thing in any given situation. From the holding doors out of politeness, to thinking twice about acts of violence, I hope and believe that people will, when the time comes, do right by themselves, for themselves and others. I try not to judge people, but I know that I have done, and sometimes still do. I try to see the best in people, and in the situation. For the most part, this has served me well. Not always, but in most cases.

…

I have often looked into attending Church (I am baptised Church of England Christian) again, and becoming more active religiously. But I feel I would feel too much of a fraud to attend. I don’t personally feel that the E that watches me expects me to attend a service once a week to prove my faith. I trust that the E is using my life’s actions as a measure of my worthiness. I still entertain the idea of attending a church of sorts regularly though, just for the sense of solidarity, sense of community and sense of common belief. Churches are fantastic buildings that have the potential to serve as strong community centres. They do, in many places.

Sometimes though, entering a Church can seem the most daunting thing someone can ever do.

I have a subtle fear of Churches and vicars. Not a “run to the Hills screaming mercy!” kind of fear. I find lots of churches awe inspiring and fearsome. I gladly visit churches in a tourist vein. But churches in action daunt me. In my own head I generate a cliquey feel, a them and us situation and it makes me uncomfortable. It is like I have pre-decided that the people there are secretly judging and placing me in the “will burn in hell” category. There are exceptions, weddings, christenings and funerals for example, are events based around an individual or couple. Usually there’s enough familiarity to keep me comfortable.

But in real life, every Sunday style services, there’s been few moments that I’ve felt comfortable.

Vicars scare / daunt me for a very specific reason. They are messengers of (a) God. Which in a sense puts me in proximity to a direct contact with (a) God, and have the power potentially, to call on Him for a bit of smiting here and there. I know this is stupid and for the most part I deal with this quite (un)comfortably. But I have to dress in best, and button up where necessary.

…

As regards to existing religions that I know of, how can I be sure that one of them is the one true religion? How can anybody impartial be asked to select one of any of them, and say that it is the one true religion? A lot of them share principles, ideas and morals that can apply to life. For the most part, I agree with these whole heartedly. What does that make me? If the E sends me a message directly, saying “go with these guys”, I think I’d still struggle to believe it (how would I know that it was in fact the E that I believe to exist and not just another God?)

Zeus loves to prank I’ve heard.

…

That, as a post wandered more than a free range chicken. I’m sorry for that, but that’s my thoughts on the subject on a page exactly. Unabridged, you might say.

I believe in something, but for the life of me, to quantify it further than that is currently too much to ask.

scribbled warbles

Warble. I do like that word. It covers all manner of noise.
I’m coming to see this blog as an appendage these days and with such a metaphor, it seems that currently this appendage is dying for me to release the compress and let it flow once more. I’ve been craving to write something for days, but I lack the direction. So as I type right now, I’m waiting for the spark to kick in.
While we sit in the willbaforce waiting pen, let’s discuss some curios.

My fridge talks. It warbles. It generates this dolphin / whale-esque groan on a day to day basis. So much so in fact, that conversations with it have been possible. Admittedly, I have no understanding of what the fridge or I am saying, but it is real fun to “whummmmmmnnnnnnuunnh?!” at each other when there’s no one else around. If I had the energy, I’d compile a dictionary. But by that point I’d definitely be crazy, and need shooting for my sins.

In more tales of banality, I have a new phone. Yes. I have entered the new generation of touch screen mobiles, with my shiny Nokia 5800 XpressMusic. Who knows why it’s cool to miss the “e” off “Express” but hey, those Finns are crazy cats. I have since fallen in love with this man made artifact, as it has provided me with an on screen qwerty keyboard to type SMS messages out. You never know, this could mean the start of constant blogging, as I’ll be able to blog from my mobile phone. Woah. I am “with” the times people. I already twitter from there, but that’s easy and short. Definitely the challenge will lie in the successful completion of a 600 or so word blog post.

…

The current career drive got me truly thinking too. What are my career goals? I mean aside from the prepared, tailored and fashioned interview answers, what do I really want in a career?

I keep saying to Angela (wife) that the key foci at the moment are that it constrains itself to daylight hours and pays enough for us to afford a holiday. But I think there’s a bit more out there. Wishful thinking type thoughts aside (the kind where you think it would be just lovely to be paid to sleep and suchlike, which eventually turn out to be ten times worse than any boring job you can find. I mean sleeping is really the ultimate in monotony. It is nice though).

I wish I knew what it was. I ‘xpect it will rear its working head soon.

I have a few applications that are currently ongoing, which completely suit what I would like from a job. But the waiting for response time is killing me. My brother made me smirk inwardly when I complained about having waited almost two months now for the process to reach the next stage, to which he responded that he had been waiting an entire year for his and even then had to wait a further 3 months just to start. It’s all about the perspective I guess.

…

Swine flu is hitting the headlines high currently, with the latest country going under being Germany. I really have mixed emotions towards this “devastating” pandemic possibility, as the news groups would have us believe. Yes. People have died from it, but people die from the normal flu strains every year too. The Bird flu scare was strikingly similar, where the news fluttered its wings (no pun intended) but for the layman, no real threat emerged save the horrific price raises on chicken at ASDA. This time around, again, I find myself worrying less about the chance of catching a life threatening pig flu and more about the possibility that my bacon is going to cost more. And the sausages. Chops too. Gammon.

Thinking about life threats makes me think about my attitude towards my own life. I’m a firm believer in the “it was his time” philosophy, in that I believe completely that fate, or a God of some nature has conspired that I will die on a certain day, from a predetermined cause. I like believing this, because it uninhibits you to try and do silly dangerous activities with little worry for you life. There’ll still be worry, but not the dying kind. More the kind where you’ll almost die, and break every bone in your body in ‘xcruciating pain kind, but that’s less daunting than the dying kind I reckon.

What do you think? Swine flu a killer? Are you worried for you own impending conclusion? What’s your philosophy for life?

On that note, the fridge has started talking. Hmm, low level murmers. I surmise that he is jealous of the coffee maker. I may have to intervene…