To YOU

Ten reasons why.

1. Because you make me laugh.

2. Because you are beauty in your own unique way.

3. Because life is too short to hate.

4. Because drinking alone really isn’t healthy.

5. Because you are an inspiration yet also an aggravation, a blessing and a curse.

6. Because it seems like only yesterday.

7. Because I know you’ll be there, through thick and thin.

8. Because old in mind young in spirit is a fact, not a saying.

9. Because you are there.

10. Because.

petty reactionism

After doing the following for the umpteenth time, I felt it necessary to share.

Oh, and after getting half way through writing, I am aware I’m sounding neurotic and crazy. Don’t commit me though. I have so much to give…

When online, I habitually check sites. Facebook, Twitter and WordPress get pretty high traffic. But the state of the site when I visit, or more specifically, the status of my activity on the site, especially WordPress, depends three possible reactions or scenarios:

1) If I have received a direct comment, notification or @response, it receives immediate contemplation and response, in that I think for half an hour before I post a witty, yet succinct and to the point reply. I do this for all things, whatever size. This inevitably means that I spend over 5 minutes debating the significance of someone “poking” me on facebook. Why did they poke? Have I done / said / forgotten something? I over analyse and antagonise myself into submission, before lamely poking the person back. This anxiety works both ways in that should I post something and not get a response, then I freak out – do they hate me? Have I aggravated them somehow? Have I hurt them? (Most probably, I need to relax).

2) If no activity has occurred on the sites, then the reaction depends on certain site sub clauses.

i) If no activity has occurred on facebook and I am of a normal frame of mind, then I will not engage in any activity other than follow up leads on the News Feed. If you’re friends with me on facebook and you update photos / statuses (stati?) / information, you will be subjected to 2 minutes of scrutiny on said item resulting in either ambivalence or an open polite wall post or comment.

ii) Twitter. If it’s quiet here, I will react in two possible ways. I will either a) spend lots of time thinking of a witty or relevant tweet; or b) I will look at some of the profiles of either my followers, or the people I follow (some are US based, so I miss some posts due to the time difference).Of course, with a) completed, I will then do b). If I do b) and see something interesting, I might then do a). It’s all very mood dependant though. Jesus. I. Sound. Freaking. Weird.

iii) On WordPress everything changes. Because this site actively records statistical data for me, so things can just get crazy. On my dashboard, sits a chart detailing visits per day. My blog and I live by this chart. Should the traffic drop down to 0, nilch, zero,  then it invokes a fresh post to be generated (this post is LIVING proof of this, as yesterday’s traffic read 0, whatever Russian sex sites tell me in my Spam comments folder). If there are comments, then we fall back to point 1) with the addition of the WP (WordPress) subclause system™:

one) If person making said comment doth have their own site of http content, then said site will be patroned and, intrigue pending, be commented on in turn.

two) If said person is somehow connected to I, then they will be notified of any gratitude felt, either by mention during next conversation or (if comment requires immediate attention) by the powers of short messaging service (SMS), telephonic communications, facebook or email. If they are of connection, and have a blog or twitter, then also initiate point -one)-.

three) If person is unknown, and has made a comment without leaving a link for replying per point – one)- then writer sits at computer, and writes something in same comment arena in vague hope that person returns to page to check up for such replies.

3) If there’s been no activity, and point 2) has already been enacted and completed, then generally I will (through no choice) have to go elsewhere on the world wide web. This then initiates my procrastination mode, or my reader mode. The latter merely means that I’ll Stumble or read bookmarked or blogrolled blogs. The former means I’ll play games.

Once the third is entered, the cycle repeats back to the start every 10 minutes or so. Such is web-life. As you can see, there is a lot of ammunition here for my dispatch to the padded hotel. I’ll admit that such attention and over analysis of commentary is a little crazy, but I think a life long anxiety of what people close (or not close) to me think is something that won’t ever truly die. So forgive me. I know I’m crazy.

…

Before any of that starts though, remember (please!) that I first of all every single time I go online check my email and complete any items of work or work related importance that need doing. Also (this of course is aimed in the direction of my wife), before I enter into the cycle of the above, I will always complete any houshold chores that need doing.

I’m good like that.

…

That last bit so completely read like a disclaimer. It just goes to show how much I fear deeply and truly love my wife.

there goes 3 more…

Procrastination.

Time wasting. Well, not wasting time, because whatever you’re doing always seems to have some kind of tangible reason behind it: you surf because you don’t want to do the chores / essay write / revise. But it is generally the engaged activity of the mind on anything other than that which it is supposed to be occupied on.

Humans are naturals to this. We do it all the time. It’s probably one of the reasons for human error, for terrible exam results, for car accidents. In fact I think it might be possible to directly link procrastination to most unwelcome events in life. It’s DEFINITELY the reason for all forms of paperwork taking weeks and weeks to process. Those guys in the offices just love to occupy their time with stuff other than your urgently needed passport / visa.

I suppose one way to run through this amicable pastime is to describe some of the many activities that I have developed over the years, and maybe even to share some of the delights that procrastinating has found me.

Some may well have already seen some of these on my Stumbleupon, but I’ll reference these chaps and talk a little about why I’ve listed them.

I just said list and gave myself a flutter of emotion. How I love lists. OK, so…

TOP TEN all time (up until more are found) PROCRASTINATION ACTIVITIES

10. Dogfight 2

Fire! Fire!

An fun filled 2D side scrolling aeroplane shooter, this chap provides hours of entertainment as it seems my Red Baron skills aren’t quite good enough to complete it. The premise is simple, shoot stuff and don’t die. Oh and don’t hit the ground. There’s also another flight based game that plays pretty much the same, except it’s for pacifists. You have to just fly through hoops on that one.

9. College Humor Videos.

Using Stumble video when you are bored is a very exciting and extravagant thing. Oh yes. You saunter through reams of videos that are kind of funny but not really good enough to make you want to re watch. And re watch. And re watch. Until, that moment you stumble into some of the videos posted on College Humor. This site is full of bad stuff, but the stuff I’ve stumbled on has generally been of high value. Take “Drumline meets Revenge of the Nerds” for example. A video display of why college bands can be amazing. They play a six minute homage to all things video games, through the music and clever little formations, my personal favourite moments being the Tetris and Super Mario displays. Utter class.

There’s more here too. This video gives you 4 minutes of interesting optical illusions, explaining them while you scratch your eyes out in disbelief.

8. AndysLife.org

Click the link. Do it. Now do you see?

This site has been up and running for a while now, and with that many games it seems a bit of a cheat to lump them all together. So I won’t. We’re looking specifically here. At one game. Hell of Sand. It’s premise is non existent. You just end up spending hours building vats of different things to then throw napalm all over it and grin inwardly. It just keeps giving.

Andy himself plays the games before he hosts them, and it seems he does alright. Most games here are fun enough for a couple of minutes. But if you don’t want to ween through the prickles to get the golden nuggets, I’d recommend the following: Totem destroyer 2, 99 Bricks, Fantastic Contraption and last but not least… Untangle.

7. Hoshi Saga

Another game, except this one is rather epic. It opens into a 6 x 6 square grid of small challenges, where your only aim is to unlock or find the star. Easy you say? Each challenge is ranked in difficulty and has no relation to its neighbours. It’s only made the list because much like Dogfight, I can’t finish the darn thing. I currently have two levels left. I like the puzzle type logic games that you find, so with this number I’ll throw in a couple of bonus tit bits, in the form of a rubik’s cube esque challenge and a very addictive game called Jelly Blocks, which I had the pleasure of completing about fifteen minutes ago.

…

Ok we are into the frequent fliers now. The rest in the list make constant reappearances on my screen, and probably will do for some time.

6. Wiki Answers

I first found this site when I was conducting some interview research / questionnaire work, and it seemed useful. I then saw it again on the FAIL Blog, with the following image:

How about that for a thesis question?

Cry indeed. For there are many such questions on this site, and the best part is they will never run out. People are asking stupid questions on a constant basis and there’s two ways you can react. You can cry yourself to sleep knowing that there are so many very unfortunate people out there that haven’t been graced with the gift of education, or, you can laugh yourself silly reading fantastic questions such as “What is Hawaii the capital of….Britain?” (Showing that you can ask and answer a question), “When can you skip a word that you don’t know?” (Handily filed under School Subjects and BIRTH CONTROL PILL) and “Coleslaw for 100 people?” (Which really makes you long for the back story).

5.  Stalking Following friends on facebook.

When I first joined facebook way back in 2005, it seemed the perfect way to keep in touch with people. I was abroad and it offered a chance to keep in touch and share photos and events in life with people across the world.

That still stands for some people in my list. But a lot of my time spent on facebook can really be defined as “being nosy”. The news feed crops up with the revelation that someone you know is, unbelievably, doing something somewhere else. You then spend the next few minutes leafing through their profile, photos and mutual friends until you see something or someone who warrants a comment. Repeat until dead from starvation.

Much of the things I liked about facebook have slowly been demoted in prominence after wave upon wave of revamped displays. Nowadays it seems I procrastinate on this site only because it is one place where I can pretty much find and speak to everyone I know under the age of 40. How bad is that?

4. FML

A list of people’s problems, accidents and confusion. A list that never ceases to make me laugh. A list like no other.

To promote this site, I hereby quote the “Top FML”, the sorry story that received the highest number of people completely agreeing that this person’s life sucks:

“Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML”

3. Nintendo Wii

Whee!

Now that we’ve all got over the silliness of the name, the Nintendo Wii is actually a lot of fun. Seeing as I have one, it is only fitting that it be mentioned as a procrastination device because, well, it is one. Without a doubt. I’m all about the Wii Fitness regime at the moment, with my pitiful attempts at finishing 20 press ups a real show of manliness and utter humiliation. Angela cannot watch me girate to the Hula Hoop without laughing histerically, and as for the ski jumping…

Suffice to say, if I ever go near a real ski jump, I reckon Team GB will have a new Olympian.

2. Twitter

This is a site that I completely underestimated. After joining on the 18th of March, I have fallen in love with posting 140 character bundles of joy. I’m not sure what I like to do more with this site, the restriction that intensifies the posts, or the fact that I, a lowly commoner, can stalk follow celebrities, and even, if I’m lucky, have direct correspondence with them. Yeah. That IS cool. It wastes so much time, because after you finished checking out the people you wanted to follow, you can click the “everyone” button, and have the tweets of the entire world. Everybody is friends, and you get to see what some dude in Brazil is doing at the same time as some Chinese guy.

1. TV

Lame! Boo! Hiss!

Really. If I think back through my many years of wasting time, there is only one winner. How many times I have sat and watched program after program because it was so much better than the work I had to do. The shows may change, but the medium remained constant.

Shows like Star Trek, Scrubs, Doctor Who, the Simpsons. Heroes, 24, Match of the Day. Desperate Housewives, Eastenders (wife’s choices). Many more that I can’t recall right now. They all play a much appreciated role in my wastage of time. Ooh, and House.

And CSI

My Name Is Earl.

Big Bang Theory.

Stopping now.
…

That all being said, I’ve just spent the last 3 hours writing this. Hmm.

0. What now…

celebratory collisions

Writing about crashing parties poses yet another problem for the writer. But I figure there must be some experiences I can relate to, and then render into some kind of tidy over arching statement to reflect upon. So revelations of posting structure aside, let’s dive in.

Personal experiences of crashing parties are somewhat limited. As a spotty bespectacled teenager, the parties I attended were for the largest part, ones that I was invited to. This didn’t detract from the events, all such parties were pretty darn fantastic: being 16, in a safe household setting, limited or no adult supervision, sausage rolls and pork pies blending into the stack upon stack of alcoholic beverages prepared for the occasion. Indeed, most enjoyable (I’m sat here just having a 10 minute regression into my childhood whims). There were so many “events” that helped shape this person into the furry russian creature you see before you. Vomit control, relationship development and negotiation… It all helped contort my mind and personality into its pre-university specifications. Universtiy came, and brought with it (as previously blogged) a wealth of growth in my confidence, which in turn led to the attendance of parties. Some of which could have been “crashed” parties, although for the most part they were never invite only parties in the first place. Crashing parties, I feel, has a swath of definitions. Well, two at least:

crashing parties (phrase)

1. to attend a social gathering or function to which one was not invited to, but was completely aware of.

2. to attend a social gathering or function to which one had no idea about.

Both definitions have clear issues. Let’s explore them a bit. The first can have very interesting consequences, all of which can be affected by many factors. The classic example being the uninvited wedding attendee, who then faces an evening of stares and abuse while they slowly drink enough to provide the obligatory drunken rant that befits their position. They cannot escape this. It is a prerequisite of uninvited drunk people to frustrate and annoy as many people as possible. It also generally raises the pleasure levels of the party tenfold (especially in England) because once the rant / revelry has taken place everyone steps up a gear to ensure that it doesn’t ruin the event for the host. It’s a fabulous way to amp a party up a notch.

Truly, crashing a party you have specifically not been invited to is challenging. It depends on the reason behind it, but in many cases crashing such parties generally never end well for the crashee. By going they open themselves to the fearsome “angry glare” from girls present and the nonchalant “I’m ignoring you” from many others. Although generally there will be someone to talk to, usually this will be because that person has problems of their own, and is looking to share them, and their life story over the two bottles of lambrini that they have managed to procure. Two words: Oh dear.

Crashing a party of which you had no previous idea of poses a very dangerous threat. You are entering a location where you have completely NO idea of what you are walking into. That’s a problem in itself. To further highlight awareness of this problem here’s a list (YAY) of case scenarios that could happen as a result of crashing parties of unknown origin:

A. You notice what seems to be a fancy dress party on your street. With it being October, you figure its an early Haloween party (there’s a red ghost at the window) and dress up like a ninja (hiding facial features for the easy crash). The door is open, so you wander in to the front room to find out just how very wrong you are…

October's AGM Meet. Ooops.

Turns out the Grand Dragon was wearing red that night and now you are in a room full of the Klan, dressed as a black ninja. Hmm. Do you take on the room in a Jackie Chan style rage, hopping around balancing on tables and catching vases? Or do you try to use your ninja stealth to tread silently out. of. the. room…

B. You see a steady stream of people entering a house, where it seems there is also a marquee established in the rear garden. There is music playing, and the party seems to show promise, especially compared to the last crash. You opt away from the fancy dress approach this time, it will attract too much attention. Instead you opt to play to your strengths in conversation and wit in order to grease your entry point (eugh). So you cruise on in. It seems remarkably quiet in the building, so you grab a beer and.. a canapé? Hmm. Odd food taste, and slightly expensive but hey, it’s a PARTAY! You meander on into the marquee to see everyone watching as two people walk toward you. All eyes zone in on you as you realise you’ve walked in on a civil wedding service. Ah. Jackie Chan moves definitely not an option, you scream “THIS ISN’T MILWAUKEE!” and run for your party going life.

Milwaukee! Marquee! They sound the same right?

C. Things have not been going well. Klan members and Wedding goers aside, you think “hey they were freak accidents. It can’t happen again right?”

Yes. You talk to yourself. So what.

You ponder your options and decide that the best way to avoid these situations is to stake your targets out a little longer than previous attempts. So you go cruising in your Pinto, seeing Homies as you pass (little do you know they’d probably kick your lily ass). You spy a party. In a quiet neighbourhood. No marquee. Hmm. Let’s play it safe though. We park up with our Nikon D3X Professional Camera (we’re scoping remember) and look through the window. You see and snap the following. Music (HOW?!). Teens. Alcohol. Dancing. Foodstuffs. Streamers. No, repeat NO adults. Definitely a party. You put the camera down and go to the door handle of your car, just as you notice a car pull up in front of you. Which is flourescent. With blue lights. Looking at you, and your Nikon. Then looking at the party house, where the party has hastily disappeared, and only scantily clad teens (those club get ups eh?) are now visible. Ninja moves? NO. Screaming? Probably not going to help. You settle and adopt the facial expression of someone who after trying so so hard just to have some fun, has realised that the world just hates them. F*** my Life.

Your face looks like this. It's over man. You didn't mean for this. We understand.

So. There you have it. Take these points of advice and learn from them. Crashing parties is bad. Well, crashing Klan meets, Weddings at exactly the wrong moment and being suspected of voyeuristic paedophilia is bad, but you get the point.

things to consider when making lists

Any competent list maker knows that there are set parameters to our dear wonder mechanic. A list can be thorough, it can be brief. However when compiling a list, or certainly when compiling an e-list, there are key stages that need to be applied:
1. Signify the list. Give it cause. Do it Justice. BUT do not use some blend of the phrase “well I was just sitting here and…” You were? Really? I would never had known.

2. List neatly. Space your comments appropriately and use either numbers OR bullet points. I’m not dictating here, but people lets not confuse one another.

3. I actually don’t currently have anything else to add here, but three is widely regarded as the “magic number” so I thought it best to include it, merely to attract some of the said magic.

I am going to create my first rebuttal. The intended rebuttee knows who they are and will hopefully enjoy this as much as they enjoyed generating their own list.

1. I haven’t tagged. This is mainly because I lack the understanding to do so on WordPress. A smaller part of the explanation is because I am very wary of letting anyone I know read this blog (take a moment if you do know me to understand that if you are reading this, and I have mentioned this to you, you are very, very close to my heart).

2. I don’t often make lists. It’s not that I am in any way inept, or unwilling. I avoid making lists of things I need to do mainly because then I visibly see I have to do them (note this does not always apply). I do enjoy making top ten lists, but inevitably then spend hours actually trying to cement such lists into a perfect ten that I cannot decide and as a result give up half way through (no one of anything can be number 1, at least not in this mind, in this moment).

3. My walls have pictures on. They’re nice. Enough said.

4. I have only one quirk to my habitual bathroom doings. However I think it may colour this blog too much for it to be mentioned here. Smiley face.

5. Green and Blue are the two greatest colours on the planet earth. I have no permanent favourite. Reason? See number 2.

6. Jimmy Eat World (he says in a very fanboy voice) are really swell. I have listened to these guys since my teens and not once have I not enjoyed their music. Number 6 is a salute to songs you can connect with. It’s an intense feeling when you think you feel like the song sounds.

7. I’m now wearing thin on things to include in this list (have been since number one, hence the shameful reproduction of someone else’s), but I cannot stop. Lists must, must finish at a number connected with finishes: multiples of 5, 13 and 99 being prime examples.

8. Two to go then, nobody hates television. Everyone says “ahh the Light emitting rapscallion, how it purges the life and soul of man”. Be quiet. You love it as much as everyone else. You just hate having those conversations with friends. You know the type. The type that ALWAYS begin with “did you see {TV Show}?” We may hate these conversations, but even I am guilty of using them (sometimes there just is nothing left to talk about except some fictional characters ineptitude to just stay alive and save for 60 minutes).

9. Sounds in the house that grate me do follow my inspiration’s noises. Washing machine beeps that demand you press one button so that they stop are like pernicious children that want sweeties in a supermarket. They know and understand that eventually, you will cave and bend to their wishes, but their pleasure arises from the constant torture that they create until you do so.

10. The relief of the finish always justifies the means. Concerning kebabs (made in Germany): they are the sweet juicy bread cakes that we all work, live and drink heavily for.
Concerning Aviators: If God decided that for one day, he would walk on earth, he would be driving a cherry red Cadillac, wearing a white robe and aviators. They are just THAT cool.