filling the blank

A few snippets to fill the void of dates where nothing has been written. While I’m here, I’m thinking of posting some snippets of previous essays too. If you want to read some, post a comment saying yes please and I’ll even hurry to get it done

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I’m almost two thirds of the way through my MA. By the end of next week, it will be two thirds.

I’m truly impressed with myself, how far I’ve come as a translator and how confident this course has made me feel. I can translate. Very well. Well, as long as some provisos are met, and the text isn’t a legal contract or a bloody patent.

Future career plans aside, my current shoe trading career has started along the downward, inevitable spiral that occurs when a large group of women work within the same environment. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the bitching has begun.

I figured it existed before, but that it was being done behind my back, or when I wasn’t at work. But I was kind of happy to revel in the nirvana of a 90% female environment without passive aggressiveness. Meh, sad as it is, it doesn’t involve or concern me, so I am more than happy to sit at the side and watch it all unravel. People’s jobs are on the line here folks, though they don’t know it. For those of you that don’t know, I am currently the ONLY male worker at the shop. Yes, I get all the heavy lifting and ladder climbing jobs. I like my stereotype. A customer called me “healthy” today as I clambered up and down the stairs with shoe boxes. She was about sixty though, so don’t get any ideas.

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I’m developing a taste for Belgian beer again. I thought that in Norwich it would be a one time thing, but man alive, Duvel is tasty. Stump up the cash and try it if you haven’t. It is wonderful.

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A daughter of my mother’s friend finished secondary school today. Seeing her facebook updates made me reminisce, first of all about how we didn’t have facebook back then, we didn’t even have colour screen phones. It is amazing, and somewhat daunting to imagine what life must be like as a teenager these days. There were far more excuses to be antisocial (in the not contacting your friends rather than the ASBO sense) when I was younger that’s for sure. Back to the reminiscing, I recalled how happy my final day was, the jubilation, the “freedom” (!) and of course the hi-jinks. The previous year group to us drew a gigantic penis with weed killer outside the staff room. We managed between us to lock the staff cars inside the gates, barricade some corridors and some other stuff of mischievous nature. Of course when I say we, I mean a minority did all this crazy stuff, while I watched with awe, in my teenage unconfidence.

Those were the days.

I see the teacher list now, and so much has changed. Obviously. Teachers have left, but some have stayed too. I remember Mr. McHenry’s history lessons like they were yesterday, and of course, as I’ve mentioned to every German speaker since, I remember the RWA German lessons that have since led to almost 14 years of studying, speaking and loving German. I find it amusing that because I tag BGS on this blog a fair bit, I seem to receive a lot of google traffic under the search “Boston Grammar School” and so on. I should hyperlink them and ask for a fiver ha.

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My wife and I went film crazy the other week. Friday eve, we go to the supermarket with the intention of purchasing a single, solitary digital versatile disc with some film content on it. We left with 12. TWELVE.

The lady at the till gave us the best look I have ever seen. It was kind of a cross between “Oh my God, I’m so impressed!” and “Oh my God! You sad people!” Definitely a grimace though. In fact best use for the word “grimace” I have ever had. I’ll even throw in an adjective, as it was a wincing grimace. POW. Don’t get grammar like that these days. Kids just aren’t into it.

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In one final piece of news, Liesl left Europe. And for that America cheers, and Europe cries. Cries “AND STAY OUT!”

Just kidding. Her inability to handle liquor will be sorely missed

questionable moments

Horror films have come a long way since their crude beginnings. Indeed they have had a very long time to perfect their art. But yet some modern horror films still manage to ruin their suspense, their terror with very simple plot failings. You know what I am talking about. Those moments in many horror films where the main character makes a fatal mistake revealing their lack of common sense, or more often, revealing their terrifying stupidity. Such films follow no generic pattern, other than their flaw so tracking them can be sheer trial and error. But these things exist. I think it due time that someone say something about it.

Take the plot of Jeepers Creepers first of all. I like this film a little. I have no real issues with it. But the plot raises questions. Let’s think and put ourselves in their position. We are two young college students driving home. We have no combat skills or weaponary, let alone any experience of crime prevention save the annual police lecture we had at school. We hit plot line

“After letting the vehicle pass them, they see the same driver tossing what looks to be bodies, wrapped in blood-stained sheets, into a large pipe line sticking out of the ground adjacent to an abandoned church.”

What do we do? In real life? We utilise a pay phone / mobile phone and we call it in to a local law enforcer.

“After the driver passes them a second time, Darry insists they go back and investigate.”

Investigate? Really? Not what I’d call a smart move. Darry deserves to have his eyes gouged out for that I think.

Now I understand that this film required them to investigate and that without it the film would become very bland, in fact it’s highlight then would be reporting the road rage to their parents at home over some nourishing food at the dinner table. Not quite triple A horror, unless you count the fact that you have to clear your plate, over-boiled vegetables included. So how could this issue be rectified? I feel there are a couple of options. You could switch the main character role to someone of responsibility: the policeman that is sent to investigate for example. He could then investigate while the curious Darry postpones the drive to hear his verdict. Policeman does not return, leading to Darry calling it in again and then through a series of Tom and Jerry-esque escapades, they eventually lead the Creeper into town where it feasts on the resident population of a Wimpy. Could work I think.

Another classic horror film mistake that sometimes crops up is the classic “don’t switch the light on” effect. Modern horror directors do, for the most part, pick up on this possible banana peel and rectify it by including the character flicking a fused light / unresponsive switch etc. But some directors forget, or it’s not picked up by the test audience, and we are left with a truly stupid moment. Again, position yourself in the character’s shoes (or feet seeing as most characters seem to be very competent shoe losers). You may have a torch, you have just entered a building that although old looking, in your last experience of living / being there had fully functioning electric lighting. You are already nervous after the strange gust of wind slammed the door on you (perfectly normal, happens all the time). You note a switch to your left on the wall, it’s white surface reflecting from the flicker of your torch / candle light. What do you do?

All practical minded options point to at least trying the damn switch, so do it! The amount of times you can watch a horror film and notice the characters completely disregard the option altogether. I mean, they don’t even look. That deserves a slap on the wrist, not that the characters will get it. Usually they will get dismemberment / attacked / covered in blood instead. They are justly punished. Forget those switches at your peril people. They are there for a reason!

Now these things can be resolved in the modern day. Simply checking the scripts for stupidity, adding those all important light switch checks and so forth eliminates my ability to be disappointed in a film. There are two ways horror films can go: Horrendously unreal (Friday 13th, Nightmare series etc.) or so real it makes you wet the bed. Both have their fair share of “jump” moments where the surprise element hits you, but it’s the real ones that then make you take the jump moments home. The sign of a good horror film? A film that has the scares but removes all your excuses for believing it couldn’t happen. If you have to turn on all the lights on your way to bed, if you drive that little bit slower in case of werewolves (really?!), if you lie in bed and think “that tree shadow looks remarkably like…” then you can rest happy – it got you and left no holes for you to say “it wouldn’t happen in real life”.

Further Reading / Viewing:

Wiki: Horror film

If you have the time, and the means, watch Nosferatu. Made in 1922, it claims to be the first Stoker vampire film. It’s not scary now, but watch it and see how many films you can think of that have stolen suspense moments from it.

A largley well thought out Top 50 Scariest Horror Movies of All Time.